Lord of the Zodiac
by M.E. Wright
Summary: The Fruits Basket Cast plays in a Lord of the Ring skit. Will the adiance die from laughing? Or will the Directors, the Authors, go insane?
1. Roll callcasting call

**Disclaimer: We do not own Lord of the Rings, Fruits Basket, or any other recognizable characters that appear in this fiction. Thank you.**

**Lord of the Zodiac.**

(Lord of the Rings with a twist!)

By: M.E. Wright & Tiel Kayr (co-writers)

Authors yell, "Roll Call!"

**ASSORTED FRUITS BASKET CHARACTERS ASSEMBLE IN FRONT OF AUTHORS.**

M.E.W starts to explain, "Ok this all started because of too many fanfics and too much sugar."

T.K puts in, "So we decided to call y'all here today to play a little game. Muahahaha!"

Aya bounces up and down singing, "Play game! Play game!"

MEW sweat drops. "OK! Someone control the snake!" She blinks as Yuki and Kyo promptly sit on Aya. "That's better! Now line up!"

TK again starts to explain, "We're going to do a Lord of the Rings skit- with a twist. Since most of you have a curse in common- that's the main thing. Lord of the Zodiac is the game. You people play characters from LOTR and the ring is the curse. Understand?"

**SHIGURE RAISES HIS HAND.**

Authors, wearily ask "Yes?"

Shigure, rather genki-ly, asks, "Will there be any high school girls?"

"NO!" yell two authors and rest of cast and any nearby random characters.

Shigure pouts. "Boo!"

"Okaaaay…" says MEW as she tries to think of what is going on.

TK whispers, "Some one switch him to decaf."

"Lets just assign the roles now please." pleads MEW.

TK shrugs. "Ok.!" She then proceeds to explain, "Now there's not quite enough of you to fill all the roles, which is where all you random character types come in."

**ALL NON-FB'S (FRUIT BASKETS CHARACTERS) NOD THEIR HEADS.**

MEW flips open the script. "Alright then, lets get started. First is the Fellow Ship, so lets start with them. Hobbits…"

TK reads over MEW's shoulder, "Frodo – Momiji,

Sam – Kisa,

Merry – Uo-chan,

Pippen – Hana-chan,

Bilbo – Oji-san

Alright- line up over here."

**MOMIJI JUMPS AROUND SQUEALING. KISA LOOKS AT HIM AS UO-CHAN STARTS SMACKING A LEAD PIPE INTO HER HAND.**

"Settle down bunny boy." growls Uo-chan.

"Ah," says TK. "Uo-chan, no lead pipes."

Uo-chan frowns. "Why?"

"Not invented yet!" Says TK in exasperation.

MEW looks up from studying the script, confused. "… Okay, I got lost there. Next!"

TK takes the script from MEW and reads, "Rest of the Fellow Ship. Boromir- President Taki."

President Taki's glasses flash proudly. TK thinks for a moment. "Uh, we're going to need contacts for you."

Pres. Taki asks confused, "Why?"

TK snaps, "Warriors don't wear glasses!"

Taki, now really confused, "I'm a warrior?"

"Where have you. . . " starts TK then thinks better of it. "Never mind."

MEW pats her shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll get him some contacts."

TK continues. "Aragorn- Kyo."

**KYO LOOKS DISBELIEVEING.**

TK looks at him. "What?"

Kyo blinks. "Uh- okay?"

TK blinks. "Alright- next victim. Gandalf – Shigure."

**SHIGURE IMMEDIATELY SMIRKS AND SKIPS AROUND THE ROOM SINGING.**

TK yells while holding her ears, "Contain that wizard!!" Uo-chan smacks Shigure (Sorry Gandalf) with the lead pipe (in the Conservatory. Hehehe. Sorry.) "Thanks. Gimli – Hiro."

Hiro gives a small smirk. "Is this a comment on my height? I'm still a child you know and I'm sensitive to comments like that. How would you like it if I went into a depression because of what you said and never regained my self esteem?"

TK raises an eyebrow. "Do you want to get paid or not?"

Shigure sits up rubbing his head. "Wow! The Elrond eyebrow! Are you going for that part?"

TK turns stare on Shigure. "Wizard . . . "

Shigure spins around clutching his chest. "Ah! A fatal wound. Farewell dear friends. There is no hope for me!"

TK mutters something about hiring more Balrogs and killing Gandalf sooner- preferably now and with lots of pain!

MEW pulls TK off to one side and whispers, "Now TK, we need him for later."

"Must we keep him?" whines TK.

MEW pats her on the shoulder again. "I'm afraid so, dear." she then hands TK some pain suppressant pills. She then turns back to the cast. "Ok let's go on to the elves. Yuki, you're going to be Legolas."

Kyo snickers. "Yuki, be sure to bring Fan-Girl repellent." Yuki promptly gives Kyo a roundhouse punch to the gut. "Oof!"

Yuki mutters, "Same to you, Ranger!"

Kyo, holding his gut, gasps out "Damn Rat!"

"Elf!" MEW corrects him. "He's an elf, Kyo."

Kyo shrugs. "Whatever."

TK comes back from taking her pills and reads the next part on the script. "Next. Aya, you're Haldir."

"Yay!" cries Aya. He then starts bounding around the room in glee singing, "I am an el-lf."

Yuki says flatly, "I am not going to related in any way, shape, form, or species to that… that…"

**WORDS STOP FORMING AS YUKI PROMPTLY GETS THE STUFFING SQUEEZED OUT OF HIM BY AYA, (SORRY, HALDIR).**

Shigure sighs, "Ah, brotherly love. Isn't it wonderful?"

MEW, in aside to TK, "We need to separate those two until they have to be together. Otherwise we'll lose one before we're supposed to."

TK nods. "Right. Shigure, why don't you take care of Aya for a bit?" She looks back to MEW. "Next elf."

MEW looks at the list. "Uh- Elrond and Arwen are… Hatori and Tohru."

Shigure looks up from hogtying Aya. "Ooh! Tohru and Kyo sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love-"

**YUKI, KYO, AND HATORI ALL GLARE AT SHIGURE. HE QUAILS AND BACKS INTO A CORNER WHIMPERING.**

MEW also glares. "That's enough wizard." She looks at the list before turning back to the rest of the cast. "Galadreil is Mine, Aya's assistant."

Aya tries to speak through his gag where he is laying on the cold floor. He then transforms into the snake and slithers free of his bindings. "Well done, Mine. You have now surpassed my humble abilities as a shop keeper and I have never been more proud of you."

Mine claps her ands and jumps in glee. "Yay! I've been promoted! I've been promoted by the shopkeeper!"

Aya laughs. "Ha Ha Ha!"

TK rubs her temples as she yells, "Will somebody shut off the blooming bagpipes and stuff that snake in the closet! MEW, dear, please don't bring him out again unless we absolutely have to."

"Don't worry, I won't." replies MEW. Sweat drops from the author's fore head as she drags the still laughing snake to the closet.

"Here, put this on the door." suggests TK as she hands MEW a sign that says **DO NOT OPEN UNTIL LOTHLORIEN.**

MEW puts it on the door and sighs. "Thanks. Ok where were we?"

TK thinks for a bit then says, "Sending the elves off to get their ears and the hobbits to get their feet."

Shigure asks "What do I get?"

Both Authors yell at him. "A swift kick to the rear if you don't behave!"

**SHIGURE COWERS IN FEAR AS BOTH AUTHORS GLARE AT HIM.**

"Right!" says MEW as she claps her hands together. "Lets get everyone ready and if we need anybody else we'll come to them when we do." She then quickly sends everyone else to get into their costumes.

"On with the show!!!" Calls TK as she follows MEW and the Cast off stage.


	2. Chapter 1: Out of Bagend

Chapter One:

**WE OPEN ON A SCEEN WITH FRODO (MOMIJI) SITTING UNDER A TREE READING. HIS EARS POP OUT WHEN HE HEARS GANDALF (SHIGURE) COMING UP THE ROAD SINGING.**

Shigure sneezes though his beard and itches his chin. "Must I wear this thing? It itches!"

Both authors stage whisper, "Yes!"

"Stop complaining and get on with it!" adds MEW. "And you're supposed to be singing."

"But this horse doesn't like me." whines Shigure as he tries to make it move. The horse not ready to move yet gives Shigure a roundhouse punch. "Owww!" cries Shigure as he falls flat on his back, crumbling his wizards hat in the process.

**FRODO, TIRED OF WAITING FOR GANDALF AND WONDERING WHAT ALL THE NOISE IS ABOUT, WALKS ONTO THE SCENE JUST AS THE HORSE PINS GANDALF IN A HALF-NIELSON.**

"Where'd you get the horse?" asks Momiji.

Shigure mumbles something about "Tasuki" and "Favor" and a dirt filled "Figures".

"Shouldn't we stop this?" asks Tohru who is half into her costume back stage.

"Naw," says Kyo from behind her. "He's had it coming to him for a while."

**MOMIJI LOOKS PUZZLED BUT DECIDES TO WAIT FOR THE END OF THE WRESTLEING MATCH. MEAN WHILE THE HORSE HAS MANAGED TO TIE SHIGURE (SORRY, GANDALF) INTO A RATHER INTRICATE PRETZEL.**

MEW walks slowly up (not wishing to be part of the match) and taps the horse on the shoulder. "Excuse me," she says as the horse turns to her. "But we need to get on with the skit."

TK then hands a boxing champion belt to the horse. "Here you go. You're the winner!"

**THE HORSE BOWS TO THE ASSEMBLED REPORTERS AND WHOEVER ELSE IS COVERING THE MATCH AND WALKS OFF AMID FLASHING CAMERAS.**

MEW turns to TK. Where'd the reporters come from and when did they get here?" TK just shrugs.

**MOMIJI AND SHIGURE WALK (OR HOBBLE) ON DOWN THE ROAD.**

**CUT TO BAGEND- WHICH LOOKS REMARKABLY LIKE OJI-SAN'S (TOHRU'S GRANDPA'S) HOUSE!**

"Isn't this supposed to be a hole in the ground?" asks Shigure. "You know, with a green door and brass knob in the middle?"

"Well," says TK. "We're a little short on the budget."

"We could use the scenery," puts in MEW. "But... We're only college students trying to get by."

"Cheap Skates!" mutters Shigure.

"Hey!" yell the authors. "We heard that!"

The authors glare at the wizard as Momiji drags him inside saying, "Come on Gandalf-san, let's go visit Bilbo!"

**JUST AS MOMIJI PULLS 'GANDALF-SAN' INTO THE ENTRYWAY, AN EXPLOSION ROCKS THE HOUSE. THOUGH THE CLOUD OF DUST AND PLASTER, OJI-SAN (SORRY, BILBO) COULD BE SEEN STAGGERING DOWN THE HALLWAY. COMPLETELY IGNORING HIS GUESTS, HE WANDERS OUTSIDE MUTTERING ABOUT THE CATHEDRAL BELLS AND NEEDING SOMETHING FOR HIS BLASTED HEADACHE. HE WAS LAST SEEN LEAVING THE SHIRE BOWING TO A STARTED RABBIT AND APOLOGIZING TO 'TREE-SAN' FOR RUNNING INTO HIM.**

Out of 'Bagend' comes Hana-chan (Pippen) waving smoke away from her face. "I think we should have put the fireworks on the other side of the kitchen."

"Yeah, no kidding." says Uo-chan (Merry) coming up behind her. "Why he asked us to move that box over by the oven is beyond me." She grins around at the startled company before smacking her forehead and diving into her skirt pocket. "Oh, I almost forgot. I was, actually we were poking around in the study before the fireworks were delivered and found this... well, we're not sure exactly what it is."

**AMIDST SHIGURE'S – SORRY- GANDALF-SAN'S MOANING ABOUT HIS LOVELY FIREWORKS AND HOW HE NEVER GOT TO LIGHT EVEN ONE!, UO-CHAN PASSES A PACKAGE TO MOMIJI.**

He opens it and laughs. "I know what this is! Oji-san's prescription. Elrond-sama won't be able to help Bilbo without this. It looks like we are going to go after him and give him this paper." He holds up a small bottle and note to show the others.

"Road trip!!" cheers Gandalf-san as he cavorts in the road.

Uo-chan groans in misery. "Must we take him?"

"He's the only one who knows the way." says Momiji.

"Rats!"

"Can I come too?" comes a small voice from the bushes. Kisa walks out holding a beautifully illustrated book of fairy-tales. "I borrowed this from Bilbo-sama and I need to get it back to him."

Gandalf-san smirks. "Ah, what is Bilbo-san up to, corrupting today's youth with illustrated acts of depravity?" he mock-sobs into a handkerchief while Momiji and Kisa stare at him, blinking.

Uo-chan growls and swats Gandalf-san in the rear with her lead pipe. "Anymore

dirty talk, old man, and i will hogtie you to a chair and make you babysit 15 inquisitive elflings for 4 days straight!"

Finding no sympathy form the others (or the authors) Gandalf goes pale. "I think I'll go visit Saruman for a few days. I'll see you in a town called Bree." He then turns and high-tails it out of there.

"Great," grumps Uo-chan. "Now how do we get to Bree? With our one traveling authority gone MIA, who is going to lead this circus?"

I will do a reading and consult the fates." Hana-chan whispers. "Perhaps I will also be able to see some of the future while I am doing the reading." She disappears into the house.

Momiji, Kisa, and Uo-chan look at each other and shrug. "We can always leave tomorrow and Bilbo-san has lots of food. We might as well eat something now." Uo-chan points out. The other two agree.

As dusk falls over the shire, Gandalf-san, minus his hat, staff, and beard is sitting in a pile of thorn bushes wailing, "Why meeeee?!?" as several dozen chuckling squirrels and chipmunks surround him.

**AUTHORS GIGGLE EVILY AS WE CONTINUE ON TO CHAPTER 2. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? WILL THERE BE EVIL IN HANA-CHAN'S READING? WILL KISA GET THE BOOK BACK TO BILBO? AND WILL THE GANG GET BILBO HIS MEDICATION?! FIND OUT NEXT TIME!**


	3. Chapter 2 part 1

Chapter 2 Out of the Shire

"I thought that we would never get out of that horrible cornfield," Uo-chan muttered into her

mask. "I thought I was going to die of pollen overload."

"The auguries pointed the way. We must follow even if it means our destruction." Hana-chan announced.

"Des-destruction?" whimpered Kisa. Momiji quickly hugged her. "Don't worry Kisa. I'm sure we will be fine." Kisa sniffled uncertainly.

"Oi, Hana-chan, don't scare the kids."

"I am merely the messenger for the Fates. Their will is supreme."

"..."

Momiji grabbed Kisa's hand. "We'll be going on ahead to scout the terrain. Be back shortly." With a grin, he sped off with a startled Kisa in tow.

Uo-chan watched them go with a fond smile on her face. "If I didn't know any better, I would say that you did that on purpose."

Hana-chan merely glanced over at her friend. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Uh-huh." They walked on for a while following the sound of Momiji's excited chatter.

"Hey lookie, lookie. See what Kisa and I found." Momiji bounced up to them waving a handful of ...

"Food!" hollered Uo-chan. She bent to snatch the mushrooms away from Momiji only to stop when Hana's voice floated in from behind her.

"What lovely plants. And such pleasant vibes of pain they give off too."

Momiji dropped his handful quickly. "Are you serious?"

Uo-chan looked slightly green. "Momiji, did Kisa eat any of these?"

Momiji paled quickly. "Uh-oh."

Quickly the three ran back to the clearing where Momiji came from. Kisa was lying on her stomach next to a log. They dropped down beside her to find that she was in some kind of shock. "Kisa, Kisa did you eat any of the mushrooms?" Uo-chan inquired. She didn't move.

"Hey Kisa," Momiji shook her lightly. "Are you alright?"

Hana-chan stood, looking in all directions. "There are some troublesome vibrations here. Something terrible and horrifying has happened."

From the opposite side of the clearing Mio-chan jumps out of the bushes. "Ah! It's another relative of the Divine Yuki-sama. He must be close by. Now is my chance." The Pri-Yuki member ran toward the group. Acting quickly Uo-chan scooped up the immobile Kisa and ran off. Hana-chan and Momiji followed quickly. "Oh come back. I just want to see Yuki-samaaa!" Her cries tapered off as the group rapidly disappeared into the woods.

Uo-chan sat down with a thump. "Whew! Those girls are sure persistent. They keep popping up and out of everywhere."

"I agree. They are most wraith-like." Hana-chan said.

**The authors murmur to each other, "You are the most wraith-like Hana-chan." **

"What did they want?" asked Momiji.

Uo-chan pulled her pocket script from her skirt. "Well, according do this they want you."

"Nani!" squeaked Momiji.

"They think that you will lead them to the 'Divine-Yuki', what ever that is."

**Yuki from off stage glares at Uo-chan. "I heard that."**

**"We're not to your part yet now be quiet!" hissed Kyo.**

**TK: "Both of you be quiet or I'm going to knock you down on your collective rears, savvy?"Crickets reign on the set. "That's better."**

The group take a few turns and arrive in the town of Bree.

"I thought this was supposed to take longer." muttered Uo-chan.

**From off stage we hear the panicked rummaging of Kyo as he realizes his part is here. The authors giggle. "We thought we'd make it more interesting." smiled MEW. **

**Cut away shot of Kyo struggling into his costume pants and failing. Yuki walks by in his elven outfit and snickers. "And you are supposed to be the hero heartthrob and you can't even get your pants on?" **

**"Shut up you prissy rat boy!" **

**"Filthy neko."**

The group walks into the inn. "We're here to meet Gandalf-san" announces Frodo.

"Gandalf-san? Gandalf-san. Oh, yes. Tall dark-haired chap with a wrinkled kimono and a smug manner. I haven't seen him in several months. You aren't the only ones asking for him either. A rather interesting women ran through here looking for him."

"Great", muttered Uo-chan. "He's gone to ground. We'll never find him."

"We might as well stay the night then." said Hana-chan. "It seems the fright has worn out Kisa." She motioned to Kisa on Uo-chan's back. She was fast asleep. Momiji started to yawn as well.

"Let's get something to eat first then put these two to bed." agrees Uo-chan, and she walks toward the tables while Hana-chan makes reservations with the innkeeper.


End file.
